Real Joe

Jeesh, two posts in two days on columns written by two different women newspaper columnists. Have I caved?

Well, no, but hey, they are kind of good looking, aren’t they? The question is, where the hell are the male columnists that deal with this shit?

I looked up Mitch Albom

author of Tuesday’s with Morrie and a radio show host. But his is a sports column.

Former Star Tribune editor Tim McGuire

is now writing a column called More Than Work that examines “values and spirituality in the workplace.” Here’s a sample from last week.

If you know of any others that come close, let me know. Otherwise, I might just have to do it.

From Jacquelyn Mitchard’s April 13 column: Even ‘hip’ parents miss key points in sex talks

“Boys are pressured into sex, because it’s considered masculine, and girls because they want to be popular and have boyfriends. They don’t know there’s an alternative. They don’t know that “outercourse” is potentially as dangerous as intercourse…. And we haven’t had the kinds of talks with our kids that can convince them. Just say no ain’t cutting it. Want to know how? Tune in next week.”

Okay, I’ll tune in, Jacquelyn. I hope you’ll include some aspect of Rounding the Bases, AKA, sexual gradualism. (See a Google search on that phrase for more.)

A local paper has started carrying Jan Denise’s column, Naked Relationships. Despite the tease of a title, I’ve never read it — something about women’s advice columns that, uh, makes me avert my eyes — until I saw the headline on one a week or so ago: We can say yes to affection without saying yes to sex

“My wife gives me her cheek when I go to kiss her — unless she’s ready for sex, as though that’s the only time I want to be close to her.” Hmmmm. How often do we turn down affection because we’re not ready for sex? And, how much more frequently would we want to have sex if we didn’t turn down affection?

I liked the column. It took me a long time before I figured out my wife’s complaints about how I confused her with my affectionate-turned-sexual gestures.

But there’s one thing she misses — the pleasure of exchanging small sexual flirtations without the expectation that things will go all the way.

I use a weekly compass card, popularized by Stephen Covey.

(see a larger image)

It helps me keep my eye on the important stuff of life, not just the urgent. Each week, I list the main roles in my life — husband, father, friend, relative, citizen, business owner, writer — and then I write down one or two things I could do in the next week that would improve that role. It’s way different than a to-do list. See the “Subordinate Clock to Compass” section of this Covey article.

I tried the electronic version of the Franklin Covey planner a few years back and it sucked big time. It may have improved since, but I like writing on the cards, usually on Sunday mornings at the coffeehouse. Last week, I added a step to my morning routine: review what I wrote on the card and see if there’s something I should try to schedule in that day.

There’s something about this hilarious Onion piece Area Man Supports The Troops He Didn’t Go To High School With that rings true. And there’s something about this study Bullies, victims more prone to fighting, carrying weapons that relates to the hockey riots and war, but I’m not sure what.

We would often be ashamed of our finest actions if the world understood all the motives which produced them. – Duc de La Rochefoucauld

Former Sen. Bob Kerrey had an opinion piece in the LA Times last week titled Bravery of Youth, Wisdom of Age. “For those who haven’t marched into battle, it probably seems strange that young men willingly put themselves in such danger; in retrospect, I am just as amazed as anyone when I watch young men and women face the dangers of the violence of war. What makes them do it? … Young people volunteer because they are young. They may be drawn to the excitement of the cause. They may have learned the importance of service from their parents or others they admire. They may hope to acquire the admiration of peers. They may want to see the world, or it may be the least expensive way to earn a college degree. They may also be drawn by the story of a hero myth they have seen, read or heard.”

Its juxtaposition with the collegiate national championship hockey riots over the weekend (in the hometowns of both the winners and losers) was interesting. Hockey win fuels another riot in Dinkytown. Also: UNH Officials Probing Post-Game Rioting.

Star Tribune columnist Doug Grow reported that media people on the scene of the MN riot “… shared an observation about the bizarre behavior of the mad crowd. Each time these celebrating scholars started a fire they’d chant, ‘USA! USA! USA!’ Lindner said he wouldn’t begin to try to explain this mixture of beer, hockey, stupidity, flames and patriotism.”

Everyone’s referring to the destruction by the rioters as ’senseless’ but of course, that just means we don’t quite understand. There must be some pyschological threads here in addition to biological (male youth, testosterone). Some of it’s the nature of hockey and many of its fans. Not too likely that a golf or swimming national championship could trigger riots. But I don’t quite understand it all either.

When I reread Duc de La Rochefoucauld’s quote (“We would often be ashamed of our finest actions…”) it makes me wonder whether there’s a corrolary: “We would often be forgiven of our dumbest actions…” And could Bob Kerrey’s paragraph above be rewritten to reflect this?

“For those who haven’t engaged in a riot, it probably seems strange that young men willingly put themselves in such danger and cause such senseless destruction; in retrospect, I am just as amazed as anyone when I watch young men and women participate in a riot. What makes them do it? … Young people riot because they are young. They may be drawn to the excitement of the event. They may have learned irresponsibility from their parents or others they admire in the media. They may hope to acquire the admiration of peers. They may want to see themselves on TV. They may also be drawn by the story…”

So, yeah, they need to be kicked out of school and prosecuted. But let’s not be too judgmental. None of us are that far from the same internal and external motivations that drove them. And at times, our country is served by some of those same motivations.

A great story: Joy, tears, overwhelming relief for POW families. But then this:

In Fort Hood, Texas, the family of the second rescued helicopter pilot, David S. Williams, was smiling as well. “I’ve always remained positive,” said his father, David Williams Sr., who was with his son’s wife, Michelle, and their two children. “When you believe in God as I do and my son does, you know he will come back home safely.” In Fort Bliss, Texas, the family of Spc. Shoshana Johnson, the only woman among the seven released, issued a statement. “We thank God for watching over them.”

How might this make the family members of those soldiers who were killed feel, despite their prayers and fervent belief in God?

I saw this on a billboard for The Grand Hotel in Minneapolis:

Does for her what lingerie does for you.

Clever. And true. My wife and I learned awhile ago that getting away from the house and kids, even for just a night, was a major deal for her. And I learned that the more I participated in the preparation — logistics with the kids, packing, household cleanup — the more relaxed and romantic she felt once we did get away. And I learned to not object to her wanting to “check in” by phone to see if all was well on the home front.

When I was growing up, my dad was always jealous of my mom’s desire to spend more time with her mother and aunts. And he was even more jealous once grandchildren came on the scene. The more troubled their marriage, the more she gravitated to her kids and grandkids, the more he objected, the more he felt threatened, the more he became threatening, the more she distanced herself from him, the more she punished him. It became an ugly spiral that at times sucked in both me and my wife and our kids. Her neediness and his nasty jealousness drove a wedge between us and them.

We could never afford a night at a ritzy place like the Grand Hotel when the kids were home, but we did find $25-40/night specials. And when that was beyond our budget, a night in a tent or at a friend’s empty house was just as effective.

More follow-up for the reader who’s got his hands full with his kids. He wrote:

First, there are the obvious challenges I deal with myself, like procrastination, negative thinking, etc. I also am not the greatest husband, in that I kind of fall into the scenario from your link to “God’s Debris”, where there are different types of people. I “think” I’m a type 4 and my wife is either type 2 or 3. It’s hard to value her opinion as much and it’s hard to include her on decisions at times when it’s easier for myself just to do it. I know – that’s not right. Without kids, we have a pretty good relationship. With them, it’s a challenge. So here’s a brief rundown on my kids. X, who is 11, was recently diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. Y, who is 9, is borderline oppositional defiance disorder, and Z, 6, has diabetes. Piece of cake, right?

A couple of reactions:

1. It would appear that you’re acting as the final authority at times when it comes to the kids. Your wife let’s you get away with this? Why? Because you’re the knowledgable authority? A bully of sorts? I’m guessing that whatever kid-related decisions you make that or overrule or don’t include her, she finds ways to undermine you, consciously or not. And the kids can’t help but to fall into this crack between you two. If parents aren’t in agreement about kids’ behavior, there’s little chance the behavior problems will improve. The upside: the more you and your wife learn to cooperate fully with each other over parenting issues, the better it can be for your marriage. The stronger your marriage, the easier it is to be united on parenting stuff.

All this is tough to do this on your own, however. I found it was much better to get a good family therapist who could see the patterns that neither me nor my wife could see and whack us both a good one when we needed it.

2. Consider household toxins as possibly contributing to the problem. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just released a report on the dozens of toxins found in households. (See this Seattle Times newspaper article or go right to the website for the CDC report, Second National Report on Human Exposure to Environmental Chemicals.) Nothing definitive in the report about household toxins causing behavioral problems in kids but see the Greater Boston Physicians for Social Responsibility report: In Harm’s Way: Toxic Threats to Child Development Project.

WASHINGTON (AP) – In a society that emphasizes men being rugged and strong, it’s tough for a guy to admit to being depressed, but the National Institute of Mental Health wants that to change. The agency, one of the National Institutes of Health, launched a campaign Tuesday to raise awareness that men, too, suffer from depression and that they need to seek help.

Called “Real Men, Real Depression,” the campaign will include a series of television, print and radio public service announcements featuring people telling their personal stories about how they confronted their own depression. The campaign will not use actors, but ordinary people who had problems, the agency said.