Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. - Unknown
I tried to keep this in mind last week when first, my upper back and then my lower back went to hell. I spend both gorgeous spring days over the weekend mainly on the couch, with a loaner Montesa 315R trials bike crying out for me in the garage. But I didn’t get really mad or down about it. Which kind of surprises me. Hey, progress!
After reading many articles like this one — Jobless and Hopeless, Many Quit the Labor Force — that include stories of well-educated, middle-aged white guys who can’t find work, it’s occurred to me that I probably could no longer find a traditional job that paid well, either… given my age and, um, eclectic job history.
But I have a little of something I now call “the amateur spirit” — a willingness and a confidence to try a new job or profession that interests me. I’ve mainly attributed this to my whole-hearted adoption of the philosophy and techniques in What Color is Your Parachute? since it was first published in the early 70s. I’ve now adopted the phrase “amateur spirit” after listening to Kurt Anderson, host of Studio 360 and co-founder of Spy Magazine. He gave a speech on it in the Twin Cities recently and it’s now available in Real Audio on the MPR web site.
Three years ago this month, at the peak of the dot-com boom, I attended an expensive 3-day Garage.com conference in NYC on high-tech startups… and came back ready to launch Real Joe. I’m still whacking away at it, though I’m now focused more on learning to be a writer/essayist/commentator and figuring how to get published in traditional media than a CEO of a soon-to-be media empire. And since I’m still a long way from making any kind of decent income from this, I’m grateful to have a marketable skill I enjoy that just barely is keeping me self-employed — my so-called day job.
When the money’s tight, it’s hard to not dwell on how much it’s all a struggle… that gee, wouldn’t life be a lot simpler and more relaxing if I just had a steady job, with decent benefits, regular vacation, and money back at tax time? I think those days are gone forever. It’s more likely that I’ll end up taking a temporary job driving a truck to make ends meet than going back to the corporate world. And on most days, I’m okay with this.
In Utne’s Web Watch: Going Nuclear over Nucular
“Criticize Bush’s polices, sure,” writes Andy Lamey in the Canadian newspaper National Post, “but don’t bash his pronunciation.” Lamey, himself a former “language bully,” posits that since Bush took office, it’s increasingly popular to take a jab at his grammar, and that “grammatical correctness has become political correctness.” He says prescriptivism — as language bullying is more formally called — goes too far when it creates a right-and-wrong mentality.
Well, this would be me… a prescriptivist, as my family would attest. Time to give up being a bully.
A NY Times commentary on using imaging devices that show what occurs in the brain during meditation: The Monk in the Lab.
“The Dalai Lama’s belief that humans can curb dangerous impulses is based not only on spiritual practice and Buddhist teachings, but also on the work of scientists… the emergence of positive emotions may be due to this: Mindfulness meditation strengthens the neurological circuits that calm a part of the brain that acts as a trigger for fear and anger.”
Men’s Journal: Foreplay Will Never Be the Same; “Researchers have now discovered that the G-spot is actually a female prostate and that the prostate is the male G-spot. The implications for the bedroom are enormous.”
Salon Premium: The joy of no sex; “Celibacy becomes an invitation to be a better father, a better citizen of the world, and, yes, even a better husband.”
Utne: A Voice for Conviviality — Remembering Ivan Illich (1926–2002) : In what was his most provocative and perhaps final comment on the “pursuit of health,” Illich wrote: “Yes, we suffer pain, we become ill, we die. But we also hope, laugh, celebrate; we know the joy of caring for one another; often we are healed and we recover by many means. We do not have to pursue the flattening-out of human experience. I invite all to shift their gaze, their thoughts, from worrying about health care to cultivating the art of living. And, today with equal importance, the art of suffering, the art of dying.”
NewsScan Daily: Mysticism and science; “Some experts maintain that psychology and even physics must be completely revamped to account for mysticism’s supernatural implications. Others believe that mainstream, materialistic science is quite adequate to explain mystical phenomena. Similarly, scholars disagree about whether mystical visions affirm or undermine conventional religious faith.”
Star Tribune: Every workday should include a nap, sleep experts say; “A growing number of medical studies show that a short daily siesta could be just the prescription for our increasingly sleep-deprived society… Dozens of small medical studies show that napping 30 minutes to an hour in the early afternoon increases alertness, productivity and mood. One of the most recent studies, published by Harvard University researchers in 2002, found that workers who took such naps did better at retaining information and concentrating.”
Business 2.0: Vacations for the Soul; “Forget fruity rum drinks. Here are six ways to have fun and still do some good.”
Robbie and I had a misunderstanding about my weblog posting on Saturday, Attending to Mr. Wiggily.
I showed it to her before I posted it — which is our agreement on anything to do with our relationship — and her comment was, “Well, it’s borderline.” I took that to mean it was okay to post. Since she didn’t say “Yes,” her intent was for me to discuss it more with her before posting it.
So she was upset and doesn’t want me to write anymore about anything that involves her. She knows and sees several people who subscribe to the Real Joe Blog and it’s embarrassing to her when they say with amazement, “How do you feel when he writes about your sex life?” – the implication being that she’s nuts for allowing it to happen.
She wonders how I would feel if she published a newsletter for her Melaleuca business in which she talked about a product that was helping me with my hemorrhoids or a penile rash. Am I speaking theoretically? None of your business.
Part of the problem is that she doesn’t get feedback from anyone like I do. I get appreciative comments from readers, including some women, but she never does. So it’s starting to bother her, which means it’s affecting our relationship, which means it’s not worth it to me, which means I’m going to stop.
Transcript:
Two footnotes to Thursday’s Sex and Affection post, in which I wrote, “But there’s one thing she misses — the pleasure of exchanging small sexual flirtations without the expectation that things will go all the way.”
1. Years ago, I informed my wife that the phenomenon of Blue Balls was not a myth… that it was only some guys who used it as a tactic to pressure their partners into having sex. I seem to be biologically predisposed to suffer more than most from the condition. I remember my first bad case. As a sophomore in college, after a couple of hours of necking with a chick I’d met at a dance, I could barely walk the next morning and was miserable the whole day. I soon learned that even a minor impure thought could trigger the condition. No way around it other than regular rounds of The Five Knuckle Shuffle… strictly as preventative medicine, mind you.
Later in our marriage, after we’d finally figured out the whole affection/sex thing, I told her that she always stopped too soon when being sexually flirtateous. While I loved it if she’d sneak up behind me and played a 2-second game of pocket pool, a 30-second round or longer would even be better. Let the sleeping giant awaken! This surprised her because she thought she’d give me a bad case of blue balls, assuming that the flirtation went no further. Not so, I informed her. I’d learned how to take care of myself.
2. I think it was a John Gray audiotape I heard years ago in which he told a group of husbands that their wives needed lots of physical snuggling/affection without having to worry that it would lead to sex. But he cautioned them: snuggling up together in bed might waken Mr. Wiggily. Don’t be bothered by it; it’s just biology. Just arrange him in a way so he’s not poking her body anyplace. Maybe appreciate his alertness, but leave him the hell alone. Good advice.
I tried a new wrinkle to my morning routine this past week. After making my cup of coffee, I do my writer affirmations, and then read a few quotes related to being a writer. And then I go upstairs and write for an hour. And then I come back down to do my other affirmations and the rest of my morning routine. So far (three times) I like it.
On Friday, I spend a couple of additional hours of promo stuff, sending a query to my coach, calling a colleague to ask about a particular publication, and deciding which magazines to pitch next.
So now I’m thinking it might be good to schedule time slots during the week for this — make actual appointments with myself, like all the writing books suggest.
I still haven’t done shit with my office organization or email backlog, but I’ve noticed a slight difference in my mental attitude about it — it’s going to happen soon. It’s not unlike what’s happening with my racquetball game — I’m aware that I’m screwing up when it’s happening but accompanying this is a little bit of self-talk: “No biggie; you’re making progress; you’re learning; you’re working on a plan that’ll help with this if you stick to it.” Which is way different than: “Oh fuck, there you go again.”
It just occurred to me now that this might have something to do with the part of the affirmation where I say, “… and I love the challenge of learning to…”
So this week I think I’ll continue doing my writing affirmations right before I write; then do my mental toughness affirmation right before I play; and my get-organized affirmation right before I plan my day.
In Salon Premium: “The Real World,” with beer bongs: MTV’s “Fraternity Life” brings back all the boneheaded bluster and enforced insularity of campus Greeks and their semi-anarchic pack mentality.
The even-handed piece gives a further glimpse on what may have contributed to the hockey riots.
“Like any group that depends on its members’ ability to shelve their personal needs for the greater good, the members of the fraternity deride those who don’t subordinate themselves completely. Pledges of Sigma Chi Omega have countless responsibilities, one of which is to show up for military-style lineups, during which the overzealous pledge master interrogates them as they stand at attention…. Kids straight out of high school aren’t necessarily prepared to figure out how to rent a place, make friends and date on their own. You make it into a fraternity, and you have an automatic social life — a place to live, a group of men that have your back and hang out with you around the clock, a good way to meet women and, most important, an identity. It’s easy to deride the mannerisms and rituals of these kids, but it’s also easy to understand why they’d participate.”
