Real Joe

In the current issue of Men’s Health: Saving Kelvin Deupree: “This man was a lot like you. Too busy, too stressed, and on the verge of losing control of his career, his marriage, his waistline, and his health. Until our crack commando team stormed in and overhauled his entire life in 8 hours.”

The ‘overhaul’ claim is more than a little overstatement, but an interesting project anyhow.

Here was a man awakening to what his life had somehow become, noticing for perhaps the first time that he was losing control — of his waistline, career, marriage, health. . . . But he wasn’t too far gone. Unlike those other sorry souls, this was a guy we could still save. And as you’ll see, we did. In just 8 hours, we had a nutritionist clean out his fridge, our fitness editor install a home gym, a career coach lobby his boss for a raise, a sex expert take his wife shopping for lingerie, our style editor supply a new wardrobe, and his minister recharge his soul. We even waxed his back, mowed his lawn, repaired his balky garage door, and trained his dog. By the end, 14 different experts had visited and rendered almost $13,000 worth of services. Kelvin was not only a new man, but also a somewhat stunned one.

Most of the strategies deployed seem sensible, including the sex life-spruce-up (he wasn’t on the verge of losing his marriage, though). But those for his career, mind, and soul are so thin as to be laughable. Evidence: Not one of the questions in the Online exclusive followup: See what Kelvin looks like now piece deals with those.

The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future. – Oscar Wilde

And the sinners include all of us, right along with Strom Thurmond and Bill Clinton.

Funny stuff from The Onion… and from what I remember of these as a kid, pretty close to the truth, too: All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale

“The seven deadly sins—avarice, sloth, envy, lust, gluttony, pride, and wrath—were all committed Sunday during the twice-annual bake sale at St. Mary’s of the Immaculate Conception Church…. The sin of lust also reared its ugly head at the bake sale, largely due to the presence of Melissa Wyckoff, a shapely 20-year-old redhead whose family recently joined the church. While male attendees ogled Wyckoff, the primary object of lust for females was the personable, boyish Father Mark.”

In the Washington Post, The Party That Keeps on Giving:

“I see so many people here today whose life Strom Thurmond has touched — and some he even squeezed,” Thad Strom, a longtime aide to Thurmond and one of his distant relatives, said, setting the tone in his introduction. “There are several things Strom would never miss: a [South Carolina] Peach parade, a Senate vote, or the opening of a new Hooters franchise.”

Former Senate majority leader and GOP presidential candidate Bob Dole offered to introduce Thurmond to 21-year-old Britney Spears. In his post-retirement career pitching products such as Viagra, Dole recently starred in a Pepsi commercial with the titillatingly dressed pop sensation in which he said, “Down, boy,” to a Spears-watching dog. Lott, after delivering his now-infamous proud-of-voting-for-Thurmond comments, seized on Dole’s remarks, saying, “. . . I like that Britney Spears idea. You know, you get rid of the dog, and instead of saying, ‘Down, boy,’ you can say, ‘Down, Strom.’ ”

If it’s true that Thurmond had a history of groping women in his Senate office, then the joke was definitely not funny. Would anyone have said it at a going-away party for Bill Clinton? And hard-on jokes about Britney Spears featuring super-geezers Dole and Thurmond? Weird.