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* My confusion about the pros and cons of a big ego drew a couple of responses that have cleared up the issue for me. David Woolley’s contention is that “there are some big accomplishments that are pretty hard to reach without single-minded (perhaps obsessive) devotion to the goal. Winning an olympic gold medal, or climbing Mt. Everest, say. But there are other great accomplishments that have more to do with happening to be working on the right thing at the right time in the right place, and don’t require any such obsession…. A big ego is a necessary ingredient for a huge failure. It’s not a necessary ingredient for a huge success.” And Norm Stoehr (posting to the Real Joe Private Blog) pointed out that “It might not be a bigger ego, but a stronger ego that you will need to succeed. Bigger is bad, stronger is good.”

Thanks, gents. Your comments prompted me to do a little reading up on “ego.” In everyday terminology, someone with an “ego” typcially means they’re conceited and self-involved. A “big ego” means an “egomaniac.” In the psychologist’s world though, those with strong egos “…don’t need continual acknowledgement and adoration from the world around them because they implicitly believe in themselves. People with strong egos have a quiet grace and confidence that allows them to be open, giving and supportive to others and their endeavors.”

Norm also wrote: “You will have to accept becoming the “Oprah” for us ordinary guys.” Oh shit, please, no! It didn’t occur to me till just now, but one of my all-time favorite quotes pertains here: “Live your life without ambition. But live as those who are ambitious.” - Larry Brilliant. I need to act more ambitious. And a strong ego will help me to do it without ambition.

* My whining about a dearth of heroes who are decent people and live balanced lives prompted Curt Benson to post some notes about the life of President Harry Truman, including this gem: “A secret service agent who worked with Truman said that he wished that he had had a father like Truman.”

* My criticism of the Texas missionaries prompted Jo to object: “Wow! That’s some audacity you have putting words in those poor women’s mouths when all they were was grateful because they were rescued and thanking God because of it. I dont remember them mentioning that their lives were of any greater value than those who were in the trade tower.” Jo, you’re right, they didn’t claim their lives were greater in value than others. My point was to take their logic and extend it out to show the absurdity of their claim that God used the Taliban to put them in prison for a greater purpose.

Joseph and Acidman posted harsher retorts to Jo. And thanks, lizie, for contributing this quote: “Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a nice plump missionary.” - Oscar Wilde

A Newsweek story this week titled says that “legions of parents still supporting their twentysomethings have created a whole new breed of child — the adultolescent…. To some, all this support and protection — known as “scaffolding” among the experts — looks like an insidious form of co-dependence.”

My three twenty-something sons have yet to return home once they left. But I can imagine us taking them in if they got into a jam - personal or financial. Life here would not be easy, though. I think our motivation would not be to help them “get ahead” like some of the parents profiled in the article, but strictly to help get their shit together and get the hell out of the house and back on their own two feet.

A study published this week asserts that “Children in joint physical or legal custody were better adjusted than children in sole-custody settings, but no different from those in intact families.” The StarTribune ran a story on it to give it some local spin.

Makes sense. My attention goes into high-alert whenever single dads I know start talking about their visitation rights and the myriad of other dealings with their ex-wives about their kids. I ask a lot of questions to try to understand their situation, and I look for ways to hand out a few kudos if I think they’re being responsible dads. It’s leftover behavior from my days as a family therapist more than twenty years ago. I think I keep doing it because I know how important it is to kids to have their dads as involved in their lives as their moms.

Earlier this week I heard a guy in the lockerroom at my racquetball club giving a single dad shit for not showing up at the bar the previous night. The dad said something had come up with his kids, and the other guy did the all-too-common, half-joking/half-serious, “Oh, c’mon man, you could’ve gotten a frigging babysitter.” I didn’t want to be too preachy but I didn’t hesitate: “Hey, he’s just being a good dad.” And the other guy quickly responded with a laugh, “Yeah, I know, I’m just giving him shit.” Maybe so, I thought, but that kind of talk does have influence on some guys.

Related story (Real Audio) on NPR’s ATC this week: “Researchers have found that there are many so-called “dead-beat” dads that would gladly pay child support if they could afford it. The Fathers At Work program is designed to help men with low incomes or no incomes support their families and move out of poverty.”

Heather Mercer and Dayna Curry were in town this week for a prayer breakfast for 1800. They’re the two young Christian women from Texas who were arrested in August by the Taliban and held for 3 months for trying to spread Christianity in Afghanistan.

Back in November when the two were released, Mercer said: “It was God who put us in prison. It was not the Taliban. He used them for His greater purpose. Now I am seeing more of what that purpose is.” Both women now give God the glory for their dramatic rescue, calling it a “modern-day miracle.”

By this logic, the two women should also have said, “It was God who sent those planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. It was His way of mobilizing the armed forces in order to get us out of prison. A few thousand people had to die for us, but the Lord works in ways that we don’t always understand.”

And as for the modern-day miracle of their rescue? Why not also say, “We don’t understand why God would not rescue Mychal Judge, chaplain of the NYFD and save us, but we’re going to assume that it’s because we can do a lot more good in the world than he. So we’ve signed on with The Ambassador talent agency to spread the word, something Mychal Judge probably never thought of doing. Doing God’s work one person at a time is just not efficient in this day and age.”

I know these women mean well, but then, all missionaries do.

Missionaries are going to reform the world whether it wants to or not. - Oscar Wilde

The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages — as if the savages weren’t dangerous enough already. - Edward Abbey

Missionaries are perfect nuisances and leave every place worse than they found it. - Charles Dickens

I posted two more Real Joe Audio Essays today. The Audio Essay list now includes:

• Pain vs. suffering: big difference
  
• Rounding the Bases: a perfect metaphor for sex education
  
• Stairway to heaven: The resurrection of Jesus revisited
  

A weekly audio essay is included in a paid subscription to Real Joe, via either Real Audio streaming or downloadable MP3. Each one can now be purchased separately for $1.00 via PayPal. After your payment is confirmed, we’ll email you the URL of a password-protected page where you can listen or download.

Time magazine (April 1): How have you stayed productive for so long?
Stephen King: The answer is, Stay healthy and stay married.

The only Stephen King book I’ve read is “On Writing” and in it he describes how his wife intervened to force him into treatment for his alcoholism. He attributes his continued success and productivity in part to a sane personal life, including a strong marriage in which his wife doesn’t hesitate to tell him when he’s full of shit. I like this guy.

Another one bites the dust. TV Discovers the Antarctic Explorer Shackleton in a Big Way.

He failed in his mission, lusted after fame, cheated on his wife and more or less abandoned his children… Shackleton was a classic quixotic character, but you could also call him a master of spin. Because of his obsession with posterity, he made sure his heroics were well documented. When he and his men lightened their loads to barest necessities for a grueling trek across the ice, they held on to their camera equipment and film, as well as their diaries.

Makes me wonder what the connection is between big accomplishments and flawed character. And it reminds me of something one of the members of my Inner Circle group said to me last month, something to the effect of… “You’re gonna need a bigger ego if you’re going to succeed with Real Joe.” I’ve got enough trouble with my ego, thank you very much, but there’s something to this and I’m not sure what it is.

My wife helped me learn (delicatedly phrased, don’t you think?) long ago that giving her lingerie as a gift is a bad idea. Much better for her to buy it for herself as a present to me, since I’m the one thrilled with it. But there’s more to it than that, says Heidi Julavits in the March issue of Esquire.

In a gift of lingerie, a woman “sees a direct critique of the cotton Jockeys she so prefers, she sees a castigation of her interpretation of femininity, she sees the subtle implication that she is not giving it up enough.” Other fun stuff in her feature, too. “Women like a man who can make a mean pie crust.” My sons are onto that one.

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A dadly deed to notice and admire?
I don’t know squat about Will Smith, but on the surface, it appears he was a dad first and an actor second on Sunday night. He didn’t stick around to see if he won for best actor. Cool. I wonder if Roger Clemens would’ve done that in the middle of baseball game he was about to win?

Smith, nominated for the title role in “Ali,” left the Kodak Theatre with his actress-wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, after security officials informed them that their 1 1/2 -year-old daughter, Willow, was suffering an ear infection and 103-degree fever.

I say “appears” because you never know what’s really going on. Maybe his wife threatened him if they didn’t leave. Maybe he was trying to impress people. Maybe he hates crowds and awards ceremonies so it was a good excuse to get the hell out of there. I doubt any of those, but we men are complex creatures, remember?