Real Joe

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not easy. - Aristotle

My wife Robbie and I went for a walk after dinner tonight, taking our dog along with us. We soon encountered a neighbor’s dog, who’s owner was obviously trying to get him to stay in their yard without a leash. The dog slowly walked toward us, seemingly not in a threatening manner, but curious. I slowed down to let the dogs sniff each other, and then Robbie yanked my coat to urge me to keep going.

It bugged me that she yanked my coat like I was a little kid and I told her so. She said she was worried that the dog might attack, plus that we were undermining the owner’s efforts to keep their dog in the yard, and that I was ignoring her concerns. I countered that all she had to do was explain, that it wasn’t an emergency requiring a yanking. She said there wasn’t time to explain.

So we continued walking in silence for a few minutes until she initiated some small talk about a neighbor’s yard. I was thinking about our little spat and didn’t say anything, which prompted her to say, “So are you still mad at me?” and I said something like, “Well, yeah, maybe” and then she said she was still mad too.

We didn’t resolve it till we got almost all the way back home. She was bugged that my silence seemed to be controlling — the silent treatment. I told her I was just thinking, sorting out my reactions and thoughts. I was actually surprised at myself that I wasn’t all that pissed about her yanking my coat. It’s the kind of thing that would’ve really angered me a few years ago, triggered by an unconscious loyalty to my father’s domineering, bullying manner. So my thinking at the time was more along the lines of “Hmmm, why am I not very pissed off?” but she had no way of knowing.

I agreed to let her know in future spats when I needed time to sort and think before responding. She agreed to not assume that I was being controlling or giving her the silent treatment.

I learned long ago that these seemingly little marital conflicts have a way of driving a wedge between us that grows over time unless they’re dealt with. It’s been a long time since I’ve been furious with her, and maybe that’s partly why. I expect little spats to continue to pop up now and then, but I’m glad to know we have a history of knowing how to resolve them.

Pleasure is very seldom found where it is sought; our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks. – Samuel Johnson

I watched the sun go down after dinner last night while sitting in a comfy chair on our screened porch with my daughter. I experienced one of those unexpected sparks of pleasure.

I went the entire Memorial Day weekend without checking my email. Earlier in the week I read a blurb in Wired about how some companies have instituted email-free Fridays as a way of getting people to focus on other tasks.

I decided that I had enough family stuff to focus on over the weekend with my daughter’s IV treatments and my wife’s return from her dad’s funeral.

It was good.

Today is Memorial Day and I’m going down to the services at Bridge Square, the park in the center of Northfield. I’ve always been haunted by the notion of the ultimate sacrifice – dying in a war. I found myself tearing up on Saturday, listening to Garrison Keillor’s News from Lake Wobegon where he recounts the speech that an old vet gave at a Memorial Day service. It included two minutes of silence that triggered tears throughout the whole audience. I also teared up listening to an NPR piece on the history of taps. I remember being haunted for years afterwards by the movie Gallipoli. I remember crying at the Vietnam Memorial in Wash DC, even though I don’t know anyone whose name is on The Wall.

I think part of my struggle is because I’ve doubted my ability to die for my country, should the time ever come to do it. Maybe it’s feeling shame about this. Maybe it’s just feeling awe of those who did it. I think particularly of the character played by Tom Hanks in the movie Saving Private Ryan. A teacher. A real joe. A leader. Beset by emotional turmoil yet unwavering in his duty. I think I’d like to watch the movie again. And Gallipoli too.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. – Mark Twain

Five years ago today, one of my sons was in a van full of teens when they were hit by a drunk driver going the wrong way on the freeway. He’s still dealing with the after-effects of his broken back, but it hasn’t seemed to make him bitter or a pessimist. If anything, it seems to have made him more reflective and appreciative of the goods things in his life. And I’m so glad he didn’t die. These Memorial Day weekends would be so sad every year. I can just barely imagine what it’s like for the thousands (millions?) of parents in the world who’ve experienced the death of one of their children.

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. – Flora Whittemore

This is a slightly different spin to the more commonly heard phrase, “When one door shuts, another opens.” One of my sons said the latter phrase to me last year after he was unexpectedly fired from his job. Now he’s working at a company in Dallas that appears to be an ideal environment for him, both job-wise and people.

He had been on a temporary gig there for several months, and was about to return to Minnesota as nothing else was materializing. But his sense was that there were more opportunities to his liking in Dallas, if he could just figure out a way to hang on and keep plugging away. So he gambled by closing the door to Minnesota for the time being, and this decision has turned out to be a good one thus far.

I remember turning down job offers on the east and west coasts 11 years ago because I loved living in Northfield. All the things in my life that were important to me were in place, except for a job that paid decent money. We went into considerable debt before climbing back out over the next 5 years, but I’m still very grateful that I closed the door on those job offers.

Action springs not from thought, but from a readiness for responsibility. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

While on a walk in the woods today, I had this overwhelming sense of responsibility to continue on with Real Joe via whatever means and methods I can. It was so strong that it startled me. Very strange.

A person is usually not attached to anything more than their own suffering. - Anonymous

My daughter continues to be not much more than mildly annoyed by her IV treatments, four times a day. We’re both pretty tired. We generally don’t finish the 11 PM IV till just before midnight, and then I set the alarm for 4:45 AM to get the saline and anti-coagulant injections out of the fridge to bring them to room temp before we start the 5 AM IV. Her older brother (who went through this himself last summer) volunteered to move in for the week to help me, and he’s been doing the 11 AM and 5 PM IVs which gives me a much needed break… to work and nap. Robbie’s out in Oregon for her Dad’s funeral and won’t be home till Sunday.

This IV routine for a month is a pain, but it’s minuscule in comparison to what a friend of mine went through with his son who has cystic fybrosis. As a single dad, he had to do the Airway Clearance Techniques several times a day with his son — thumping on his chest in several different positions while holding him upside down…. for 16 years. Neither one of them ever seemed to make a big deal about it, never getting “attached to their own suffering.” Knowing about this helps put what I’m doing into perspective.

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out. - Michel de Montaigne

One of my sons is bemoaning the fact that several of his high school friends have gotten married and had a kid already. And one has confided to him that he’d bail on the marriage if it weren’t for the kid.

My mother visited us today. She’s a bird out of the cage, now that my dad died. I wonder if my mother-in-law will experience something similar, now that her husband is dead? I expect not, since they seemed to have a pretty happy marriage, unlike my parents.

I’m determined to have a marriage that doesn’t feel like a cage 95% of the time. I haven’t felt that way for a long time, and for that, I’m grateful.

The most ordinary and confused moments of our lives are infused with a spirituality if we know how to look. - Kent Nerburn

I’m feeling like a laggard the past couple of days. I don’t know what it is exactly. Struggling with not having enough contract work lined up yet? Missing Robbie, who’s gone to her dad’s funeral? Bugged about not having enough time to work on Real Joe? Worried about finances? Irritated with myself when I don’t make good use of my time?

Maybe I have an unrealistic expectation that I should be ‘up’ all the time, no matter what the external circumstances. It also just occurred to me that I don’t do as well when I’m working totally by myself, like I’m doing with my current contract work. Maybe that’s another reason to get fired up about a RJ radio show. I’d be working with a team of people, both creatively and business-wise.

Oh well, I’ll guess I’ll just stay with these “ordinary and confused moments” and stay alert to what might be going on.