Real Joe

I was just as tight for my 2 pm game yesterday in the 35+ bracket as I was for my first game on Friday night. Again, I was playing a better player, but I couldn’t find “the groove” with my swing. Maddening. My opponent for the consolation semi-final in Men’s A had to drop out from a sprained ankle, so I got bumped to the final. I started poorly again, but midway through the first game, with the score tied, I did a simple adjustment to my forehand grip which made a difference in my swing and I began to just focus on the feel of the swing, both forehand and backhand. I won the first game narrowly and the second game jumped out to 10-2 lead. I then lost my focus and my opponent got back to within 3 points. I took a timeout, took a few practice swings to find that ‘in the groove’ feeling, and came back strong to win by five.

So now I’m in the same boat as I was on Friday. I played well on Thursday night, and counted on my body being able to remember the groove feeling for the tourney and it didn’t happen. This morning, I have one more 35+ match and I’m counting on the same thing. I wonder what’ll happen.

My wife says my problem is that I care too much. It’s true. But not about winning. For me, it’s about playing as well as I can play, about not choking, about looking good. All ego stuff.

I sometimes wonder why I play tournaments. I can enjoy the game and play relaxed enough for my weekly games. But there’s something about the challenge of playing under the pressure of a tournament that’s attractive. It’s a mental proving ground for me. For others, it’s a measuring stick of a different sort, I suppose. I guess if it’s a mental proving ground, then before I play in another one, I should have a lot of concentration and relaxation skills practice under my belt. Otherwise, I’ll just stick to club leagues and recreational play.

Ya can’t t’ink ‘n hit at da same time. - Yogi Berra

That’s my problem. I have to learn how to ‘not think’ when I hit the damn ball. Yogi, remind me of this today!

Oy, talk about calling it right. I played like shit my first game the Men’s A bracket racquetball tournament last night. I absolutely could not get loose. It probably wouldn’t have made a difference as the guy was way better than me but it pissed me off to have played so poorly. I didn’t expect to be nervous, and then when it happened, I couldn’t overcome it. I didn’t have the butterflies beforehand, which is almost always the case, whether it’s a sporting competition or giving a speech. Some people vomit when they get a bad case of the butterflies. Others, like me, sometimes get the trots. But last night I didn’t. So I didn’t even bother doing the breathing and relaxation exercises that I sort of know how to do when I get nervous. And for the first ten minutes of the game, I think I was ok. But then he started splatting everything and I couldn’t adjust to it. I started getting behind, and that’s when I think I started tightening up. He got more confident, and I got more hesitant. And instead of using relaxation techniques to get my body loose, I think I just kept trying harder, and of course, this didn’t work.

After I lost, it occurred to me that, before my next match, I needed to get my head in order. So I found a quiet spot to lay down and just did a few “breathe easy” and “let go” (muscle tighten and relax) exercises and then did a few body rehearsal swings making sure I could feel a relaxed and fluid motion.

It made a big difference. I settled down for my next match in the Men’s 35+ bracket. I won easily against a player who I was clearly better than. I sometimes ‘play down’ to the level of lesser skilled players so I was pleased that I played closer to my ability through much of the match. I know I won’t have any easy matches today, though, so I wonder if I’ll be able to keep as relaxed. I know my concentration ability is very weak.

Now that I think about it, I’ve tended to think of concentration and relaxation as two totally separate skills. They’re distinct, of course, but maybe the more I’m able to concentrate and get totally absorbed in the game, the less tight I’d be. My experience is that the opposite doesn’t work for me, i.e., being relaxed doesn’t necessarily lead to better concentration. So today, I’ll expend more effort in just focusing on the ball, hitting it with crispness and fluidity, and try to get “in the zone.” I can’t expect much success though, since I’ve not practiced this at all, and from what I’ve read, it takes considerable time and practice to get the hang of it for people with my kind of mental distractibility.

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. - Goethe

Reading my “pre Real Joe” journal entries from 2-3 years ago, it’s surprising how many times I wrote something like, “I should just try something, do something, get going on this idea that keeps nagging at me….” There’s no way to know if Real Joe would be better off now had I done something sooner, but this quote is a great one for stuff that I need to do now. Yeah, Boldness!

My Wednesday noon racquetball partner and I were chatting after our match this week and we discovered that we both have a tendency to play crappy in the first round of a tournament if we’ve had good practice sessions or played well in a club match just prior to the tourney. So wouldn’t you know, last night in league doubles, I played about as well as I can play, and I’m in a tournament this weekend.

I know that it’s all mental, that somehow, having played well recently, my subconscious thinking must go something like this when I step onto the court: “I should do well, I should be able to put this shot away, shit, I blew that one, c’mon, I should be doing better than this, I was making that shot yesterday, damn, don’t tell me it’s happening again” etc.

There seems to be two aspects to this situation that I can do something about. One is the core belief, the root problem that somehow I’m not enough, that I need to be a good racquetball player in order to be well thought of, to impress others, to prove that I’m a tough guy and not the wimp that my father disapproved of. I’ve done a fair amount of work to negate that belief but it’s still there a little bit yet, quietly influencing me at times. It helps to just write this out and remind myself that it’s all mistaken, goofball thinking, that my old man is dead now anyway, and that wherever he might now, he’d probably be proud if I could overcome this legacy he left me.

The other thing I can do something about is having some sports pysching techniques that counter the mental ‘noise’ once it kicks in. I know what these techniques are, since I bought a great little book on it about 15 years ago. But I’ve never disciplined myself to practice them much. Someday, I will. Real Soon Now. I promise. So I shouldn’t be surprised this weekend if the mental noise takes over and I play crappy. I’ll have to decide then whether or not I’m willing to spend as much time practicing sports psyching techniques as I do practicing my swing. Good plan.

You are today where your thoughts have brought you. You will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. - James Lane Allen

This quote doesn’t quite fit with my experience of how Real Joe has come to be. It doesn’t take into account the vocation/calling aspect. Some of my ideas and ‘thoughts’ seem to come from somewhere else. That’s why I try to write “…it occurred to me…” rather than “I think…” because I’m never quite sure of the source and it helps to take my ego out of the picture– and that in turn helps keeps me open to the possibility that mistaken ideas and goofy thinking can creep into my head at any time. Uncertainty about which thoughts are really ‘mine’ seems to be a good approach. Or maybe not.

I was cleaning out my paper planner yesterday and I stumbled upon some of my journal writings from late 1997 through early 1998 where the initial ideas and ruminations that led to Real Joe first began percolating. It was oddly inspiring to read this stuff. Maybe it was seeing that the foundation for Joe was deep and a long time in incubation, which in turn reinforced my conviction to persist. I think I’ll gather these writings and post them on the website somplace as a pre-weblog history of Joe. I don’t know if anyone else will find them interesting but since they help inspire me, and since they’re already written, why the hell not?

We were temporarily turned down for seed money for a radio show. The company liked the writing in the essays I submitted but the committee making the decision wasn’t unanimous in the overall concept of “an irreverent Oprah for guys.” They’d like some demo tapes first.

So I’m disappointed but not deterred. There are a couple of local radio producers who I could work with to create some demo tapes so today I’ll get cranking on that.

I expect to get some news via email today and when I see the header, my heart will beat a little faster and I’ll step away from the computer, take a deep breath, and stifle my reflext to say a goofy prayer.

Whenever I want something to happen, it occurs to me to pray like I did when I was a kid. Please God, make it come true! It’s a funny reflex, and one that I’m now in the habit of catching myself when I do it, as it makes no sense. (See my essay I pray. But not like that.)

Instead, I’ll just say a mishmash prayer of “Help me handle this, help me learn from this, remind me that there’s no way to know if it’s good news or bad news.”

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. - Robert Albert Bloch

I was anxious on and off all day yesterday, waiting for word on the radio show funding decision. But I don’t think I was too anxious, to the point of fear, as this quote implies. I didn’t feel paralyzed, though I didn’t do much email, thinking that it would be better to wait till I had some news, one way or another. It helped to realize that my whole world wasn’t riding on this. I went to my daughter’s school conference and the glowing reports from her teachers made me feel proud. I played racquetball after dinner for about 2 hours, had fun and played better than usual. Robbie and I connected affectionately when I came home. So I think my currently balanced life helps me to not have so much emotional anxiety over this issue.

I’ll do some phoning this afternoon if I don’t get any news this morning.