More follow-up for the reader who’s got his hands full with his kids. He wrote:
First, there are the obvious challenges I deal with myself, like procrastination, negative thinking, etc. I also am not the greatest husband, in that I kind of fall into the scenario from your link to “God’s Debris”, where there are different types of people. I “think” I’m a type 4 and my wife is either type 2 or 3. It’s hard to value her opinion as much and it’s hard to include her on decisions at times when it’s easier for myself just to do it. I know – that’s not right. Without kids, we have a pretty good relationship. With them, it’s a challenge. So here’s a brief rundown on my kids. X, who is 11, was recently diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. Y, who is 9, is borderline oppositional defiance disorder, and Z, 6, has diabetes. Piece of cake, right?
A couple of reactions:
1. It would appear that you’re acting as the final authority at times when it comes to the kids. Your wife let’s you get away with this? Why? Because you’re the knowledgable authority? A bully of sorts? I’m guessing that whatever kid-related decisions you make that or overrule or don’t include her, she finds ways to undermine you, consciously or not. And the kids can’t help but to fall into this crack between you two. If parents aren’t in agreement about kids’ behavior, there’s little chance the behavior problems will improve. The upside: the more you and your wife learn to cooperate fully with each other over parenting issues, the better it can be for your marriage. The stronger your marriage, the easier it is to be united on parenting stuff.
All this is tough to do this on your own, however. I found it was much better to get a good family therapist who could see the patterns that neither me nor my wife could see and whack us both a good one when we needed it. 😉
2. Consider household toxins as possibly contributing to the problem. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just released a report on the dozens of toxins found in households. (See this Seattle Times newspaper article or go right to the website for the CDC report, Second National Report on Human Exposure to Environmental Chemicals.) Nothing definitive in the report about household toxins causing behavioral problems in kids but see the Greater Boston Physicians for Social Responsibility report: In Harm’s Way: Toxic Threats to Child Development Project.