The oldest son of a local family whom we’ve known since we moved to town shot and killed himself on Friday. He and his brother attended the same small elementary school with my kids. He was 27, a teacher, and had gotten married just two months ago.
To most people I’ve talked to, he seemed to be a happy, well-adjusted guy. He didn’t leave a suicide note so everyone’s perplexed. In the receiving line at the funeral home last night, his dad said that he’d been a little down lately, but other than that, he had no clue.
Anyone can surmise a complex set of factors that contributed to his suicide. Maybe they were serious and of a long-standing nature, maybe not. Family issues? Brain chemistry? Environmental factors? But I learned from a close relative last year that when she was hospitalized for suicidal depression, both the individual and group therapy sessions emphasized the importance of understanding how Mistaken Thinking can contribute to depression and prevent recovery… a basic cornerstone of Cognitive-behavior Therapy.
I was trying to explain Mistaken Thinking to my daughter yesterday as we talked about this guy’s suicide while I drove her to school. I told her that whatever his circumstances, it was likely he was entertaining thoughts about his life and his world that were misguided, that he didn’t have a response to emotional pain that went “If I’m suffering, it must be because there’s something I don’t understand. Life’s trying to teach me something. I’d better find out what it is.”
I know, I know, it’s simplistic. But it never ceases to amaze me how few people seem to be aware of its power to help deal with life’s problems, big and small.
Of course, I’ve only learned this recently myself — and I was a family therapist for ten years. Go figure.
I haven’t really taught it to my kids in any explicit way… just this blog and an occasional comment. I now worry, though, that it’s not enough.