I got this anonymous email from someone named Tracie last week:
I would only admit this anonymously.
I’m 28 and I have given up that I will ever have as good of sex with a man (in purely physical terms) as I do when I’m masturbating. It’s a myth that only men need the physical release of sex. However, I never have as good of orgasms when I’m with men, because of inhibition, and I don’t believe I’m alone in this.
The training to be a woman is intense and begins in earliest childhood. The social mores that women are brought up with are just much more subtle, complex, and insidious than the ones enforced on men. Most of us have internalized so much inhibition, we’re barely aware of it. I think one of the reasons that so many women have rape and S&M fantasies is because the idea of force or coercion cuts through all the inhibition, guilt, and well-concealed fear of rejection. (I should emphasize that it’s only the idea of rape that turns on some women).
I believe that the reason most women (including myself) are reluctant to deal with our inhibitions is because we are reluctant to do anything around men that will risk our seeming unattractive. “Be attractive, be pretty, be admired, be accepted, be loved” are the understood goals that most women strive for in life, and especially with regard to men. We know that most men don’t like women who are “psycho”, “angry”, or “desperate”. We know that unhappiness and dissatisfaction are not attractive. We know the paramount importance of our physical attributes to the male sex drive, and our self-consciousness of our bodies often paralyzes our own desires.
I think it’s more important for most women to be wanted than to be satisfied. I’m one of the few women I know who’s never faked an orgasm, and there are times I wish I had.
As for men, they say they don’t like artifice, but that’s what they respond to.
Sincerely Anonymous
I sent this reply back to her, but it bounced.
Hi Tracie, thanks for the detailed note. I assume you’re responding to my essay, Why women don’t want sex with us, correct?
You wrote:
I believe that the reason most women (including myself) are reluctant to deal with our inhibitions is because we are reluctant to do anything around men that will risk our seeming unattractive. As for men, they say they don’t like artifice, but that’s what they respond to.
I think I understand. And as much as we men are at fault for this, much of it is cultural conditioning that we’re susceptible to because we’re not so hot at being alert to its influence.
But a cool thing that can happen in a long-term monogamous relationship is when both partners get to a point with one another where you feel near-total acceptance.
I know that my wife knows all the not-so-great things about me and she still loves me. I can lose myself in sex and not have to worry too much about performance.
She knows that I know all the not-so-great things about her and yet I still love her. She can lose herself in sex and not have to worry too much about performance.
This makes for a solid foundation for really satisfying sex — earth shattering orgasms, oft times — even if our techniques are less than top notch.
You wrote:
Be attractive, be pretty, be admired, be accepted, be loved” are the understood goals that most women strive for in life, and especially with regard to men. We know that most men don’t like women who are “psycho”, “angry”, or “desperate”. We know that unhappiness and dissatisfaction are not attractive. We know the paramount importance of our physical attributes to the male sex drive, and our self-consciousness of our bodies often paralyzes our own desires.
Yeah, a woman’s looks are more important for guys but they only takes things so far…. even if most of us can’t articulate it. My wife is concerned about her weight and aging and all the usual stuff, but since we’re more in love than we’ve ever been in our 28 years, it’s not getting in the way for either of us.
You wrote:
I think it’s more important for most women to be wanted than to be satisfied.
We want to be desired, too. But again, most men aren’t aware of or can’t admit to the importance of feeling wanted/desired for who we are, because we’re so culturally attuned to the sexual conquest/satisfaction stuff.
Anyway, let me know what you think… and if it’s ok that I use your very interesting note in a Real Joe essay or weblog entry.