Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not easy. – Aristotle
My wife Robbie and I went for a walk after dinner tonight, taking our dog along with us. We soon encountered a neighbor’s dog, who’s owner was obviously trying to get him to stay in their yard without a leash. The dog slowly walked toward us, seemingly not in a threatening manner, but curious. I slowed down to let the dogs sniff each other, and then Robbie yanked my coat to urge me to keep going.
It bugged me that she yanked my coat like I was a little kid and I told her so. She said she was worried that the dog might attack, plus that we were undermining the owner’s efforts to keep their dog in the yard, and that I was ignoring her concerns. I countered that all she had to do was explain, that it wasn’t an emergency requiring a yanking. She said there wasn’t time to explain.
So we continued walking in silence for a few minutes until she initiated some small talk about a neighbor’s yard. I was thinking about our little spat and didn’t say anything, which prompted her to say, “So are you still mad at me?” and I said something like, “Well, yeah, maybe” and then she said she was still mad too.
We didn’t resolve it till we got almost all the way back home. She was bugged that my silence seemed to be controlling — the silent treatment. I told her I was just thinking, sorting out my reactions and thoughts. I was actually surprised at myself that I wasn’t all that pissed about her yanking my coat. It’s the kind of thing that would’ve really angered me a few years ago, triggered by an unconscious loyalty to my father’s domineering, bullying manner. So my thinking at the time was more along the lines of “Hmmm, why am I not very pissed off?” but she had no way of knowing.
I agreed to let her know in future spats when I needed time to sort and think before responding. She agreed to not assume that I was being controlling or giving her the silent treatment.
I learned long ago that these seemingly little marital conflicts have a way of driving a wedge between us that grows over time unless they’re dealt with. It’s been a long time since I’ve been furious with her, and maybe that’s partly why. I expect little spats to continue to pop up now and then, but I’m glad to know we have a history of knowing how to resolve them.