Robbie’s scheduled to go to a medical clinic in Atlanta that’s had some success at treating tinnitus, the symptom from her acoustic neuroma brain tumor (benign) that’s driving her crazy right now. The procedure involves inserting ‘white noise’ device in the ear canal and retraining the brain to not ‘hear’ the tinnitus.
She asked me last night how I’ll feel about her wearing a very visible hearing aid-type device. I suppose it’s not unlike wives who wonder how their husbands will react to their bald heads after chemo, or after a mastectomy.
I jokingly told her that I’ve gotten used to the idea of being married to a senior citizen (she turned 55 last summer; I’m 51) so I was pretty sure I could handle this latest development. I could be wrong, of course, as I’m affected by our culture’s emphasis on a woman’s appearance as most other guys I know… as well as my own ego hangups.
But the reason I think I can handle this (besides the fact that it pales in comparison to a mastectomy or total hair loss) is because our relationship is in pretty good shape right now. We laugh together a lot, resolve disagreements quickly, and connect pretty regularly throughout the week. And her sexual desire for me is evident, as well as her desire to please me, and those are way more powerful than any physical characteristics that she hasn’t any control over. I could be wrong about myself, though. But if I am, I guess it just means I have mistaken ideas going on in my head and therefore something to learn.
I just phoned her and asked her to look at this entry–an agreement we have whenever I’m about to post something that involves her. Her comment was that she’d be worried that if her medical condition caused her to emotionally withdraw, or be cranky, or to feel like not going out of her way for me, or diminished her desire for me, that then I would do the same. She wanted some assurance that I would step up to the plate on this, go beyond my usual limits, reassure her of her desirability to me no matter what, and not have such high expectations of her. I’m glad we talked.