I expect to hear today on whether we’ll receive some funding for a radio show pilot. I keep reminding myself that I’m entitled to the joy of working, but not the results. So in this case, that means reminding myself that it’s been interesting to put this proposal together, to learn some about a medium that I’m clueless about, to meet people I wouldn’t have ordinarily met.
I’ve also been reminding myself that there’s no way to know whether the decision is ultimately good news or bad news. It could happen that the whole thing leads to a problematic partnership, with lawsuits, bad feelings, burned bridges, and tarnished reputations. It’s happened to lots of people, so it could certainly happen to me.
I’ve been trying to be aware of my ego rearing its head on this, too, i.e., who’ll be impressed when I tell them the proposal’s been funded. I wish to hell that shit would quit but maybe it’s just a lifetime tendency that I have to be aware of when it kicks in and then neutralize it. Or maybe I’ve got something to learn first, just like with my anger that sneaks up on me at times. Somehow, I have this insecurity, that I’m ‘not enough’ and that I need to impress people in order ‘be enough.’ Goofy belief, but there it is.
I know I won’t be crushed if the decision doesn’t go like I want today. I’ll be temporarily disappointed, but I’ve got more than one way to skin this cat so I’ll just press on and enjoy learning along the way. It helps to believe that all this is just part of my vocation, that any and all obstacles are there to learn from and that persistence is a big part of what’s needed.