I’m on the stair climber machine at my local club. In walks a guy who’s a much better racquetball player than me, one who I play occasionally and who always trounces me.
I say hi to him and he says hi back and marches right by. I’ve not seen him in a month or two. I don’t remember if he knows I’ve had surgery or not. But regardless, I’m a nobody to him, a not-worthy competitor and therefore not-worthy of informal conversation.
Guys like this stick in my mind long after the rebuff has passed. I’ve been dissed and it bugs me. I occasionally have a daydream that involves me beating him, an ego orgasm fantasy in which he increasingly gets mad at himself for losing to, in his mind, an inferior player. But I’m no longer inferior. I beat him every time, or at least push him to his limits if I do lose. Ultimately he shows respect by engaging in lockerroom banter with me around other guys. I’m accepted. It’s climax time.
It lasts for a while but then it happens all over again when I play in the state tournament and the guys playing at a level above me seem to treat me the same way.
The obvious flaw in this mental strategy: there is always somebody better to reckon with, even if you’re world champion.
Not so obvious flaw: there are plenty of guys at every level who, despite inferior skills, are liked and treated with respect by guys who are better than they are. I can think of two friends who come to mind.
So the implication is that it’s something I’m doing or not doing that either A) contributes to their dissing me; or B) creates the impression that they’re dissing me when in fact, they’re not. They’re simply reacting to how I’m treating them, that they’re above me and that I have to gain their respect through competition instead of being genuinely interested in who they are.
Hello Griff,
I haven’t had time to check your blogs lately, but I see I need to pay closer attention to your activities. Your’re proliferating.
So, you’ve been dissed. This is normal and happens to people all the time. Basically, folks who are vulnerable to being dissed are those who need extra approval from those they like, love, respect, fear, etc. It’s a form of ass kissing in the hope that you’ll get kissed back.
In my working years I often sought approval from the boss, customers, associates, and the cute secretary down the hall. I didn’t enjoy doing it. Finally, I realized that approval from myself was a hell of a lot more important and comforting than getting it from others.
In retirement I find great enjoyment in not seeking outside approval. This doesn’t mean that I act like a jerk. I care about people too much to do that. But, with me what you see is what you get. If you can whip me in golf, bridge, or investing, good for you. I’m better looking, smarter, and richer than you are so no need for me to suck up.
Ok, so I exaggerate just a bit.
Bob
Hey, Bob, good to hear from you…. and that you’re enjoying a dissed-free retirement.
I’m gradually improving on the approval-seeking front, but it’s a long haul. Good to know it can be done, even by good looking, smart, rich and humble geezers from Iowa. 😉
Those of us from Iowa are always humble. To paraphrase Winston Churchil, “We have much to be humble about”. This may change if our football team comes through against the Gophers Saturday.
To roses. The hell with corn.