I have dinner with my sibs tonight… older sister and younger brother. For the past two years or so, we’ve been getting together for a long dinner 3-4 times per year, just to talk and be with one another. We grew up pretty emotionally distant from one another and, having recognized this, are trying to do something about it as we’ve also recognized that we’d like to be closer.
I told my daughter this morning that I’m always tense before these dinners and she asked me why with a hint of incredulity in her voice. She just had a birthday dinner with her brothers and is always thrilled to be with them.
I think I’m overly cautious when I meet with them, now that I think about it. My relationship with them is so tenuous, I guess I try to stay safe… and maybe that’s getting in the way. So tonight, I’m planning on being more open, less fearful. Take more risks. And to not concern myself with any outcome. To paraphrase Larry Brilliant, “I’m entitled to the joy of dinner with my sibs, I’m just not entitled to the results.”
I’d also like to see if I can keep my “silent watcher” engaged, so that the stuff I say to them isn’t totally fueled by my fears and desires.
Be present as the watcher of your mind — of your thoughts and emotions as well as your reactions in various situations. Be at least as interested in your reactions as in the situation or person that causes you to react. Notice also how often your attention is in the past or future. Don’t judge or analyze what you observe. Watch the thought, feel the emotion, observe the reaction. Don’t make a personal problem out of them. You will then feel something more powerful than any of those things that you observe: the still, observing presence itself behind the content of your mind, the silent watcher. — Eckhart Tolle