I don’t normally read the advice columns but today’s Dear Abby has a gem that just grabbed my attention in this morning’s paper: Pastor leads married woman into temptation and more. It reminds me of one of my all-time favorite Onion pieces: All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale.
The woman writes: “Unfortunately, I have fallen deeply in love with him. We both know it’s wrong. We have prayed together many times, asking God to forgive us for our sexual relationship and for breaking the Seventh Commandment. But no matter how hard we fought temptation, somehow we always ended up between the sheets.”
I wonder what fighting temptation — hard fighting, mind you — might actually look like in a situation like this? I don’t suppose it occurred to them that her pouring a jug of ice water down his pants is generally a very good tactic for fighting carnal temptation. But then I don’t suppose that’s an answer to your prayers that you really want to hear in that situation.
Abby’s advice: “Ask God for forgiveness, and also for the strength to stay away from the “Pastard.” Then talk to your husband. The two of you should report Pastor Jones to your church headquarters.”
My advice: “When you kneel down with your pastor to pray for strength, he probably assumes that you’re ready to give him a blow job and figures his prayers have been answered. Better to ask your husband to join the three of you in a prayer that should go something like, ‘Please God, don’t let Pastor Jones and I fuck each other’s brains out yet again tonight.’ God tends to be responsive to prayers like that when husbands are present.”