Real Joe

One helpful outcome of our attempt at an at-home vacation (we bailed on our camping trip because of my bad back) was stumbling upon a NadaChair booth at the Minnesota State Fair. The chairs “effectively prevent slouching while relieving back pain related to prolonged sitting. Nadachair lumbar support cushions improve posture by using the knees to keep the pelvis stabilized in an upright position.” The thing really helped with my lower back pain whenever I needed to sit someplace — the car, movie theater, dinner table, etc. It looks a little weird to carry around. One guy mistook it for a rock climbing harness. I was hoping someone would ask me if it was a trapeze-type device for facilitating interesting sexual positions.

Last week I was finally got to the point where I was pain free most of the time, as long as I didn’t sit for long. I kept adding gentle back exercises each day from my new back bible, Backache: What Exercises Work and by week’s end, I was doing fast-walking at the Carleton College running track and climbing up and down the stadium stairs. I also started swinging my racquetball racquet at home, much to my wife’s dismay. But I wasn’t even tempted to ride our trials club’s two-day motorcycle event at Spirit Mountain.

Tomorrow I go see my orthopede about my knee with the torn ACL. I’m trying to decide whether to have it fixed now, later, or not at all and just figure out how to strengthen the knee and stabilize it with a knee-brace. My joint bible is Wear and Tear: Stop the Pain and Put the Spring Back in your Body and between the two books, I can see me continuing to be active with these joint-unfriendly sports for another 25 years or more. Hah!

Kent Nerburn wrote in his weblog last week about seeing the sudden spiritual transformation of a woman who survived a severe auto accident. “I can’t explain it. It would be simple to say that she has gained a newfound wisdom or appreciation of life. But that is too simple. This is something deeper, something that she herself is not even able to comprehend. In the twinkling of an eye, she has been changed.”

This reminds me of a book I picked up a couple months ago when the author visited our local bookstore for a reading and book signing. Ann Jauregui is a therapist and the author of Epiphanies: A Psychotherapist’s Tales of Spontaneous Emotional Healing (available via Booksense or Amazon.)

It’s a book that focuses more on the possible scientific underpinnings for these sudden spiritual transformations and less on any psychotherapeutic intervention. “There is something deep, something elusive still missing in our understanding of how the world works. What is certain is that a person can slip into an alignment with these workings. Often while walking out under the sky. Indoors or out. On legs or in wheelchairs. There, on a lucky day, we see something.”

Herbert Benson’s new book, The Break-out Principle, also may give a clue about what’s happened to the woman Nerburn cites. “… a powerful mind-body impulse that severs prior mental patterns and–even in times of great stress or emotional trauma–opens an inner door to a host of personal benefits… Breakouts open the door to different kinds of peak experiences–self-awareness, creativity, productivity, athleticism, rejuvenation, and transcendence–and lead to lasting changes.”

Benson cites the interesting developments surrounding nitric oxide in the body and its possible connection to what we call the mind. “Puffs of insight” — break-outs — can occur when this natural gas gets triggered in the body. While his book is all about learning to deploy a variety of techniques and habits that trigger break-outs, Benson also says: “It seems quite possible to me that some part of the mind — perhaps what theologians refer to as the “spirit” of human beings — may be linked to a dimension beyond the physical matter, DNA codes, cell structure, and other limitations of our brains and bodies.”

And maybe that’s what God is.

The Sept. issue of the American Enterprise magazine has nine articles on men, part of its cover story, Real Men: They’re Back.

Only three of the nine articles are online so I ordered a single copy of the print issue. The editorial overview by Christina Hoff Sommers is titled Men — It’s in Their Nature and it encapsulates their overall perspective that the nature of men can’t be changed, it’s back in fashion, and that that’s good.

“The gender activists who fill our schools and government agencies will continue with their efforts to make boys more docile and emotional. But fewer and fewer Americans will support them. Maleness is back in fashion. And one reason is that Americans are increasingly aware that traditional male traits such as aggression, competitiveness, risk-taking and stoicism—constrained by virtues of valor, honor and self-sacrifice—are essential to the well-being and safety of our society.”

I like most of what she and the other article authors have to say. Vive la difference as I’ve blogged here before.

But as I wrote in my blog a month after Sep. 11 in reaction to Peggy Noonan’s piece: Welcome Back, Duke: From the ashes of Sept. 11 arise the manly virtues, this characterization of what makes a man manly seems just a little too thin.

Male traits constrained by the above-named virtues? Yep, good point. But it’s often not enough to prevent damage to ourselves and those around us, as evidenced by the epidemic of male depression in the general population, and the psychological impact to FDNY rescue workers after 9/11: “During the 11 months after the attacks, 1,277 stress-related incidents were observed among FDNY rescue workers, a 17-fold increase compared with the 75 stress-related incidents reported during the 11 months preceding the attacks. As of August 28, 2002, a total of 250 FDNY rescue workers remain on leave with service-connected, stress-related problems. “

I generally agree with the article authors’ who lambast various feminists, academics, and others who campaign to get boys and men to share their feelings. But that has nothing to do with being psychologically smart about yourself and others, a trait that’s very likely to make you more effective and happier in all your pursuits, manly or otherwise.

Some feedback from Stuart Greene, author of the Rake piece Should Married Men Go to Strip Clubs?.

I loved your comments with regard to my column in The Rake– I think you provide the subtlety that my column lacked. Like you, I feel like I’m a better, more complex person as I get older, and I especially liked what you said about putting that extra energy into finding new ways to get jollies with the old lady.

I’d only take exception, I think, to the widespread urban myth you touch on, basically that all strippers are victims, which I tend to think is condescending in a backhanded kind of way. Here’s where I cue the stereotypical rebuttal, “Well, I have a good friend who’s a stripper, and she does it because she likes it, feels blessed with a beautiful body, and makes heaps of money.” So you can see where I’m going with that– though surely there ARE plenty of hard-luck cases, to be sure. (On the other hand, think of all the really essentially unhappy men in positions of white-collar power who are there because of horrible mistreatment as children. For some reason we always assume the incidence of victimization is much higher in the so-called sex industry, when there doesn’t seem to be much hard evidence of same, but plenty of speculation based on political prejudices– i.e. that vice is essentially caused by abuse.)

I can’t back up my comment with facts or research studies, so Stuart might be right. I think my perception is based on articles contending that prostitutes have a higher incidence of childhood sexual abuse in their backgrounds. Here’s one site: “… survivors of child sexual abuse are vastly over-represented among the ranks of prostitutes and other sex workers…” Where’s the research to back this claim up? I don’t know. Are strippers considered sex workers? I don’t know either.

But it’s not far-fetched to imagine that the environment for women who work in strip/gentlemen’s clubs is ripe for on-the-job abuse, as reported in this study: Stripclubs According to Strippers: Exposing Workplace Sexual Violence. The details cited make for grim reading. Even if vice is not caused by abuse, it’s easy to see how a “vice environment” leads to abuse.

So even if I’m a patron who doesn’t personally abuse the strippers, I’m still supporting the whole enterprise. Most of us can understand why buying stolen goods from a fence is wrong, or even buying clothes that were made in a children’s sweatshop. Patronizing a strip club seems similar to me… as much as I’d like to go occasionally. I don’t see that as condescending, upfront or backhanded, but since I do have a tendency to be more than a little arrogant [cue a knowing smile at my wife here] I could be missing something.

And what about all the “… unhappy men in positions of white-collar power who are there because of horrible mistreatment as children”? I’m not sure how serious Stuart was with that remark, but I’ll assume he was. It’s just hard to feel sorry for guys who are political, economic, or cultural kings-of-the-hill (Bill Clinton? Jack Welch? John Gotti?), miserable though they may be. And it would seem to be a real stretch to imply that childhood mistreatment tends to create powerful but unhappy men.

In yesterday’s NY Time Magazine: The Futile Pursuit of Happiness. (Read/grab it before it disappears in 7 days.)

Some really interesting research on something termed affective forecasting is being done by four academics who’ve “… begun to question the decision-making process that shapes our sense of well-being: how do we predict what will make us happy or unhappy — and then how do we feel after the actual experience? … almost all actions — the decision to buy jewelry, have kids, buy the big house or work exhaustively for a fatter paycheck — are based on our predictions of the emotional consequences of these events… and when it comes to predicting exactly how you will feel in the future, you are most likely wrong…

And whether Gilbert’s subjects were trying to predict how they would feel in the future about a plate of spaghetti with meat sauce, the defeat of a preferred political candidate or romantic rejection seemed not to matter. On average, bad events proved less intense and more transient than test participants predicted. Good events proved less intense and briefer as well.

Put another way: our tendency to be wrong about what will make us happy or unhappy is due to mistaken ideas. And the unspoken corrollary is that our innate desire for MORE tends to make it difficult to appreciate the good things in life that we already have.

Two of the researchers cite examples from their own lives where their decisions proved problematic: buying a big house in the boonies; ignoring turn-back times when mountain climbing.

Lately, I’ve been telling myself that I’ll be soooo freaking happy when my backache is gone and that I’ll never give up my back exercises or overdo it with sports again. Heh. My wife seems to know better.

All of this brings to mind two of my favorite sayings:

It is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him with the words, ‘And this, too, shall pass away.’ How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction! — Abraham Lincoln

Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity. — Socrates

Role reversal: Unconventional wisdom in the personals

“A new study suggests some guys may be losing their single-minded preoccupation with women’s bodies and are instead going weak in the knees over financially well-endowed femmes.”

People underrate their attractiveness, study finds

No matter how buff they might be, men rate themselves as being less muscular than women do. Women perceive themselves as heavier than men see them… “We tend to think the opposite sex wants a much more desirable figure than they actually want,” Pride said.

Good news for us skinny guys, assuming we believe it.

If you were a teenaged malicious hacker, what better result could you hope for than this?

Hopkins Internet suspect: Government exaggerating: “Meanwhile, Parson was the buzz among his classmates at Hopkins High on Tuesday, the first day of school. As Parson, 18, roamed the halls, he drew his shares of ‘Whoa,’ ‘Wow’ and ‘Oh, geez’ among students surprised to see the Internet worm suspect return. ‘We couldn’t stop talking about him,’ said Tricia Livingston, 17, a senior. ‘Who knew he could do that? He definitely put Hopkins on the map.’”

I’ve started reading Slate lately and found this piece from last week: The immorality of the Ten Commandments by Christopher Hitchens.

“… a condemnation of adultery (from which humans actually can refrain) and a prohibition upon covetousness (from which they cannot). To insist that people not annex their neighbor’s cattle or wife “or anything that is his” might be reasonable, even if it does place the wife in the same category as the cattle, and presumably to that extent diminishes the offense of adultery. But to demand “don’t even think about it” is absurd and totalitarian, and furthermore inhibiting to the Protestant spirit of entrepreneurship and competition. “

Now there’s something I’d never considered: not coveting thy neighbor’s goods being antithetical to capitalism.

Read the piece. It gets even better.

I don’t normally read the advice columns but today’s Dear Abby has a gem that just grabbed my attention in this morning’s paper: Pastor leads married woman into temptation and more. It reminds me of one of my all-time favorite Onion pieces: All Seven Deadly Sins Committed At Church Bake Sale.

The woman writes: “Unfortunately, I have fallen deeply in love with him. We both know it’s wrong. We have prayed together many times, asking God to forgive us for our sexual relationship and for breaking the Seventh Commandment. But no matter how hard we fought temptation, somehow we always ended up between the sheets.”

I wonder what fighting temptation — hard fighting, mind you — might actually look like in a situation like this? I don’t suppose it occurred to them that her pouring a jug of ice water down his pants is generally a very good tactic for fighting carnal temptation. But then I don’t suppose that’s an answer to your prayers that you really want to hear in that situation.

Abby’s advice: “Ask God for forgiveness, and also for the strength to stay away from the “Pastard.” Then talk to your husband. The two of you should report Pastor Jones to your church headquarters.”

My advice: “When you kneel down with your pastor to pray for strength, he probably assumes that you’re ready to give him a blow job and figures his prayers have been answered. Better to ask your husband to join the three of you in a prayer that should go something like, ‘Please God, don’t let Pastor Jones and I fuck each other’s brains out yet again tonight.’ God tends to be responsive to prayers like that when husbands are present.”

The new issue of The Rake has an interesting piece titled, Should Married Men Go to Strip Clubs? by Stuart Greene.

I agree with most of what he says.

Men are duplicitous scumbags. That doesn�t stop when they get married.

Behaviorly I’m less so than earlier in my marriage, but basically, yeah, my brain still harbors a neanderthal.

Married men know that life is good when they officially play by the rules of the fairer sex. However! This does not mean married men think entirely chaste thoughts or that they don�t have a rich fantasy life or that they don�t bend the rules in private.

Yes on the first two, but I currently don’t “bend the rules” in private. One of my sons asked me a few months ago when’s the last time I went to a strip joint — he’d just been to a couple of them as part of bachelor’s party/stag night. I told him that it’s been about 30 years… I can’t remember if it was before or after I got married, but I do remember that I was in love with Robbie at the time.

Me, I try to avoid it, because I�m a horrible liar and the wife has ESP for this kind of mischief.

This is true for me as well, but there’s more to it. A year or so ago a guy I know said to me that he was getting more and more uncomfortable going to strip clubs because his daughters were now the same age as many of the strippers and it was ruining his fantasies. That’s not quite true for me yet, but there is this troubling thought that does go through my head: these women ARE daughters of men my age and I’d be horrified if my daughter did what they’re doing.

I know in my head that many (most?) of the women are troubled — they’ve likely been sexually and/or physically abused, if not by a relative than by someone they’re currently in a relationship with. So it would feel like I’m egging-on the abusive men for my temporary benefit.

Another troublesome aspect: I know that if I spent money visiting a strip club, I’m basically placing an order in the pipeline — adding money to the economic engine that fuels men to convince more girls and women to participate — which is bad for all involved, not unlike the celebrity babe who buys a coat made from the fur of an endangered species. Of course, this is also true for the porn mag/video industry and I can’t claim innocence here, as I’ve purchased/rented my share of Playboy merchandise over the years.

Now, you�re going to ask why the married man is not satisfied with viewing his own lawfully wedded wife in the buff, and there is no good rational answer to that. All I can say is that more seems to be better.

Yeah, visual variety is compelling. Which is why keeping things ever-changing in the marital romance department is a biggie.

Don and Pete are good, decent, upstanding, sensitive men who make great and loving spouses, and they�re tired of feeling guilty about wanting to see more naked women more of the time. They argue that it really is all about visual stimulation�nothing more�and that it has no real or at least bad effect on their relationships with women.

Maybe. I think the problem is that it becomes too easy to rely on it as a way to get your jollies, rather than putting energy into figuring out how you and your wife can get more jollies with each other.

Case in point? Powerball winner temporarily loses $545,000 outside strip club.

Kent Nerburn’s exchange with a reader of his book Neither Wolf nor Dog: “Thanks for being one of the most astute readers who has ever contacted me in all the years that book has been out.”

Real Live Preacher tipped me off to The World According To Chuck — which looks to be another Real Joe-type blog to follow.

Here’a a sample: “All I know is, my wife has been gone eight days, and knowing she comes home tomorrow has me pretty jazzed. I’ve grown accustomed to the trace of something in the air, and I’ve missed it.”

“I have faced my demons and come to peace with myself… a person my children can love.” – Peter Jaquith

He was once a Wall Street multi-millionaire: From Wall Street to Mean Street.

In Sunday’s NY Times Magazine: Untying the knot: “With the help of a divorce mediator, a couple finally learns what their marriage was all about.”

Another round of low-back trouble the past week. Shit. Now I really have to get better at walking my talk, as this has not only torpedoed my motorcycling and racquetball, but also our family vacation/camping trip, since sitting in a car is no fun. My wife and daughter aren’t exactly thrilled with me, since it was my sporting activities that did me in.

So the plan is to do an at-home vacation for five days over the Labor Day weekend, unplugging from our normal routines and treating our own house like a bed and breakfast, doing day trips to spots within a hour’s drive. Maybe we’ll discover that some of these tips actually work.

I’m thrilled to be able to link to Kent Nerburn’s weblog with regularity. And now I’ve discovered another guy’s weblog that looks to be top-notch: Real Live Preacher. He’s an anonymous minister “… in South Texas who started a blog as a sort of personal refuge from his church–a confessional place where he could voice some of the doubt and confusion in his life…” — that, from radio interviewer and blogger Christopher Lydon who interviewed the preacher recently and blogged it. Some snips from the Preacher’s blog:

“My friend Tom called to tell me his life is falling apart… He’s a Baptist pastor in a town near mine. His wife came home recently and told him she wanted a divorce. They have three children, and he has to leave the house. He lost his family and his home in just a few hours. It gets worse. Most Baptist churches do not want a divorced person to be their pastor. Pastors can be greedy, manipulating sons-of-bitches, but they better not be divorced. It’s hypocritical and stupid, but that’s the way it is.”

And:

“… lots of people come to church hoping to find an easy way out of chaos. They want to know the future or make sense of the past. They hope that preachers like me will speak a mighty word and bring order out of the mess. I got news for you. I ain’t God. I’m just a guy with a bad haircut bouncing a ball around the sanctuary and talking to himself.”

So that makes two Real Joe-type bloggers to link to. Let me know if you find others.

For my own tastes, it is the person who continuously makes the small caring gesture in the course of daily affairs who is the most worthy footsoldier in the army of the spirit. Such people are doing simple good for the world, and shaping their spirits by outward action. – from Kent Nerburn’s Aug. 13 blog.

Alas, I’m not this kind of person. Once in a while, maybe, but not continuously. At times I think I should work harder to be more caring, and at other times I just figure, what the hell, I’m not like that, so quit trying. Currently, I’m in the middle, trying to be a little more regularly thoughtful and going out of my way but nothing drastic. One example: I’ve been house-tending for my friend Bruce while he and his wife are on vacation. They live a few miles out of town on a hobby farm and have two dogs, two horses and a swimming pool. My daughter and I go out there twice a day to do the chores. I’m kind of enjoying it, even though I’m busy. But the main thing is that I’m going out of my way for a friend, something I don’t usually do. Good boy.

Today’s the anniversary of Woodstock. I like the idea of dying on this day, 66 years from now, its 100th anniversary. I’ll be 119.

However, at the rate I’m going, I’m not likely to get there in the kind of condition that’ll make it much fun. After spending weeks preparing for our motorcycle club’s big two-day trial last weekend, I pinched a nerve in my lower back the morning of the event and had to drop out. Aaarrrgggh. I couldn’t even sit down to be able to drive myself home until a guy gave me a Vicodin. And then I was pretty much flat on my back or in a fetal position for 4 days. And then scrambling like mad to catch up on work since then.

It’s my own damn fault, of course. The last time this happened (several months ago), I started doing back exercises to prevent its recurrence. I even bought the book Backache: What Exercises Work and started telling others about it. I felt so great after three weeks or so that I quit doing them. Duh.

I guess my body’s trying to teach me something: either get more fit or quit these these sports in favor of others that are less punishing. I choose the former, of course, which is why I just ordered the book Wear and Tear: Stop the Pain and Put the Spring Back in your Body. But I’d better shit or get off this pot.

I continue to get more attention for helping small businesses and other small organizations set up and maintain weblogs on their web sites — one aspect of my Wigley and Associates business. So this week I decided to document what my clients and I have learned and make it available to others.

Small Business Blogging: Why and How to Do It is the current working title and web site.

I’ve long thought about writing a Real Joe book of some sort. But I’ve got to get to a much higher level of knowledge and skill to do that, methinks… whereas, a how-to book on small business weblogs seems more managable. I figure that what I learn doing this book will serve me well come time to do a Real Joe book.

On Aug. 10, the NY Times reported: Pope John Paul II made his prayer appeal at the papal palace in lakeside Castel Gandolfo, which is generally cooler than Rome. Drought-fed fires have plagued Italy, the Iberian Peninsula, France and arid areas of other countries. “I invite all to join in my prayers for the victims of this calamity, and I exhort all to raise to the Lord fervent entreaties so that He may grant the relief of rain to the thirsty Earth,” John Paul told pilgrims and tourists.

Today, the AP reports that “France’s worst heat wave on record has killed between 1,500 and 3,000 people, the Health Ministry said yesterday, as the government faced accusations that it failed to respond to a major health crisis. Deaths accelerated in the past week, with up to 180 people dying in one day in Paris from Europe’s sweltering summer, the ministry said.”

So will the Pope be explaining why “deaths accelerated” since he prayed on Sunday? Probably not. What about asking God to quit having the earth’s tectonic plates push together, creating earthquakes which will kill thousands in the future? Or why not ask God to change the nature of thunderstorms so that they quit producing the lightning that kills thousands each year? Dang design flaws!

Oy.

Bob from Iowa wrote to me about his recent trip. “One of the high points, no pun intended, was hiking above 13,000 feet in Rocky Mountain National Park. No trees up there – just lots of lichen covered rocks and shrubs. I was kinda proud that my 65 year old body and damaged heart held up. On the other hand, had I croaked, I can’t think of a better place to check out.”

Which reminded me of the Sitting Bull quote: “It’s a great day to die, and it’s a great day to fight for our way of life. It’s a great day to die, and it’s a great day to defend this gift of land from the Great Spirit!”

After I read that quote the first time, I began to say to my wife while relaxing on vacation with our kids at Lake Superior, “Ahhhhh, this is a perfect day. All the good things in my life are here. A great day to die.” Eventually, she asked me to knock it off since it gave her the creeps. But I still think it’s a helpful attitude to have, creepy or not.

Guess what’s “… North America’s hottest theological debate of the moment“?

Believe it or not, it’s something called “open theism” as described in this article by AP religion writer Richard N. Ostling: What did God know and when did he know it?

“Open theism … emphasizes God’s loving interactions with people and denies that the deity knows absolutely everything about the future. This denial doesn’t come from liberals but from certain evangelical Protestants.”

And the opposition counters: “God is all powerful and all knowing; and his perfect knowledge extends to all things, past, present, and future, including the future decisions of his free creatures.”

Which is why rhetorical questions like, “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?” are needed — to demonstrate the futility of out-of-touch theological debates like this one.

How the hell (or, if your prefer, “How in God’s name…”) does this debate increase the likelihood that people will pursue a spirituality that actually helps them in their daily lives?

NY Times: The Modern Pickup Truck Retires From Work and Moves Into Town

“Americans are crazy for the utilitarian look, and nothing looks more utilitarian than a pickup. But the look is what matters these days, not the utility. At the luxury end of the pickup market, you come across utter absurdity, like the now-discontinued Lincoln Blackwood, which looked as if it was pitched directly at the short-haul drug-dealer market. It was, essentially, a cigarette boat for the road, and every bit as practical… I often marvel at America’s excess utilitarian capacity, all those off-road vehicles that never go off-road, all those pickup trucks that never pick anything up.”

One of the few times that I ever remember my dad confronting me in a tone that I could hear was when I was 17 and spouting off about rich people and their Caddies and Lincolns. He said, “Your piece of shit Chevy is just as much an ego trip to you as their fancy cars are to them. So quit being holier than thou.”

He was right. And since I’m currently driving a piece-of-shit ’89 Toyota Corrolla, his advice still yanks me out of my ego as soon as start thinking that, “… you know, it’s kind of cool driving this ugly, underpowered but dependable POS.”

The August issue of Oprah’s O magazine has an article titled, How Men Really Feel About Their Bodies. (The entire aritcle is not available online, but large chunks are.)

It’s well-written piece by a guy, Ted Spiker, who’s also a regular contributor to Men’s Health magazine.

“At six feet two and 215 pounds, I’m not huge. I just carry my weight where women do—in my hips, butt and thighs. And I hate it. I hate the way clothes fit. I hate that friends say I use the “big-butt defense” in basketball. I’m not the only man who wishes his body looked more like Michael Jordan’s and less like a vat of pudding. A recent survey showed that only 18 percent of men are happy enough with their physiques that they wouldn’t change them. While women get there first, they don’t have a monopoly on stressing over looks.”

Spiker takes risks with this piece, revealing much about his own struggles with his body image.

But it’s more than a little ironic that the article appears in Oprah’s O and not in Men’s Health. Evidently it’s still not safe for Men’s Health to run a piece that’s emotionally revealing. And Spiker says nothing about how men’s magazines like Men’s Health have contributed to the male obsession with looks with their abs-only covers and plethora of articles and promotions dedicated to it.

Of course, that would be biting the hand that feeds. And, truth be told, my essay “The Sweat, the Moonlight, and the Lace” was rejected by Men’s Health earlier this year. Had it been accepted, I’d also be reluctant to criticize them for contributing to the problem. Hmmm. Maybe I should submit my piece to O?